Irving Park, Portland, Oregon
The majority of people I work with who are struggling with feeling depression and anxiety all seem to have one commonality...painful emotions that feed off of negative thinking and an inner critic that holds a lot of the power in determining how they view themselves and their worth.
I constantly hear people talking about shoulds and shouldn'ts. It's as though there was a shoulds and shouldn'ts chart given to us around age 3 or 4 that told us who we are supposed to be, what we are supposed to do, and how we are supposed to behave in the world in order to be accepted by others.
I've noticed that my clients who suffer the most from listening to their own inner critic also tend to be people pleasers who worry about how they are being perceived, if they are liked, and feeling terrified about potentially upsetting or disappointing someone they know.
Living in this constant state of “I'm not good enough” or “I don't measure up” or “People won't accept me if I don't behave in certain ways” sounds absolutely exhausting. Isn't life hard enough already?
Recently, I found a book called Embracing Your Inner Critic which I had to get because this topic of self loathing or self hate appears to be running rampant and I would like to understand where it's coming from.
In this book, they talk about how our inner critic is formed from an early age once our parents begin to voice their shoulds and shouldn'ts on us. It says that our parents own fears and insecurities which more than likely stem from their own parents, begin to impact our development and how we treat our self. It's important to note that parents intentions for voicing shoulds and shouldn'ts is one that comes from a place of 'protection and love', but results in just the opposite. Instead of feeling safe and loved, these shoulds and shouldn'ts instill fear, insecurity, and self doubt in us that then follows us into our adulthood.
Here is a section of the book I wanted to share: “The Inner Critic is like the bit of mirror that makes us see a distorted picture. It is that inner voice that criticizes us and speaks about us in a disparaging way. It makes everything look ugly. Most of us are not even aware that it is a voice or a self speaking inside of us because its constant judgements have been with us since early childhood and its running critical commentary feels like a natural part of ourselves.”
Our sense of belonging becomes conditional and so we go about living in the world thinking that we are only worthy of acceptance and love as long as we abide by all of the shoulds and shouldn'ts that have been ingrained in our brain as truth.
In yoga class a few weeks ago, the teacher said “Expectation leads to frustration. When we can ignore or completely rid ourselves of expectations, we are able to experience life in the way we are intended to, living with complete presence to what is, moment to moment. True liberation is when we can free ourselves of these thoughts and habits that don't serve us.”
The next time you notice your inner critic speaking to you, gently tell that voice that shoulds and shouldn'ts are no longer allowed. Give more time to being in silence and stillness so that you can relax and learn to listen to the inner voice inside that's wanting to guide you from a place of love and worthiness. This is a voice that speaks your own truth, not interested in making comparisons. It's a voice that sounds more like “I can..I will...I want or I choose.”