For many people, there is something really terrifying about being with self. From the time we are conceived, we are inside of another human being and with other. We grow and develop into a person and once we are born, we experience our first moment of feeling separate as an individual.
Throughout childhood, we are accustomed to being around our caregiver(s) and siblings if we have them. Once we reach a certain age, our caregiver may feel as though it is okay for us to be left alone. The reality is that no matter what our age (whether old enough or not), most of us can vividly remember the first time we were completely alone with our self and how scary it felt.
It's possible that most of us can also recall the times in our life when we felt deeply wounded by something that someone said or did or by something that someone did not say or do when we were longing for it or truly needing it in order to feel safe, loved or that we belonged.
In these moments of suffering when we feel wounded and completely alone, we begin to build a wall around our heart that we think will protect us from ever feeling hurt again in the same way. Throughout years of life events that cause us pain, our wall grows taller, stronger, and thicker until eventually our heart and spirit become cocooned and hidden from everyone including our own self.
This cocoon allows us to more easily ignore and numb ourselves from feeling our feelings. When we shut off feelings, we rely on thoughts instead and begin believing that our thoughts are more valid than our emotions. Of course we would rather stick with thoughts because we can rationalize and ruminate until things make sense or until we feel more in control and certain because this is what we 'think' feels more safe.
Do you think that animals sit around thinking about what they want, need or should do?
The truth is that thinking is overrated, not every thought we have is true, and thoughts cannot always be trusted. What we can trust more than our thoughts is our emotions and here's why...
Our emotions are energy stored in our bodies. This energy is connected to a deep inner truth inside of us called our higher Self that connects with an infinite wisdom that some call God, the universe, the force, or oneness. Our higher Self is the part of us that understands our truth and knows what we need in order to feel whole, connected, and joyful.
And the way for us to be more in touch with our higher Self is to be with self, alone with self so that we can be in tune enough to feel and listen to what it is that our self desires and needs in order to advance our spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical growth as a human being.
This is a process that is not for the weary kind. It is not for the person who will do everything possible to avoid feeling uncomfortable or feeling vulnerable.
This journey into self can be dark, lonely, ugly, and terrifying because the heart begins breaking open the cocoon built around it and the wall comes crumbling down. In the beginning things feel raw and messy until our love for self overpowers our fear of feeling.
Through courage, love, and vulnerability (openness), the heart becomes exposed and beats anew in an open space that feels free and light because it can breathe again and it can feel all of the emotions, the energy that our body naturally feels.
This journey into self teaches us that there really is nothing to fear, but fear itself, not fear of self.
We learn that we won't ever allow our self to be wounded in the same way as before because the heart now knows that the journey into being with and knowing your self has made both of you stronger, wiser, and more aware of a new reality. A reality based on the truth that being with your self, taking care of your self, and loving your self is the one and only path to truly feeling safe, loved, and that you belong.
Recently, I heard the Mumford & Sons song called Roll Away Your Stone. Perhaps the stone is the wall around your heart and rolling it away is practicing vulnerability to begin the journey into self that will lead you to feeling more whole, connected, and joyful with yourself and with others.
Roll away your stone I will roll away mine
Together we can see what we will find
Don't leave me alone at this time
For I am afraid of what I will discover inside
You told me that I would find a home
Within the fragile substance of my soul
And I have filled this void with things unreal
And all the while my character it steals
And darkness is a harsh term don't you think
And yet it dominates the things I see
It seems that all my bridges have been burned
But you say 'That's exactly how this grace thing works'
It's not the long walk home that will change this heart
But the welcome I receive with every start
Darkness is a harsh term don't you think
And yet it dominates the things I see
Darkness is a harsh term don't you think
And yet it dominates the things I see
Stars hide your fires
For these here are my desires
And I won't give them up to you this time around
And so I'll be found
With my stake stuck in this ground
Marking the territory of this newly impassioned soul