Stoller Family Estate, Dayton Oregon
Well, here I am finally sitting down to write this blog post that’s been marinating inside me for what feels like a very long time.
I haven’t written anything personal in a while because I’ve been stuck in a rut, a 3- year rut to be more precise. It’s not like I’ve been in the deep dark holes of depression the whole time, but more like a roller coaster ride of grief.
This ride has been full of highs and low lows that sometimes took me down hard, shook me up, turned me upside down, and left me disoriented, heartbroken, devastated while I swam through despair feeling like I was going to drown, despite my being a really good swimmer.
After being steeped in grief for a while, I am now able to share because of the recent breakthrough I’ve had that has set me free on this last day of being 46 years old. Because of this newfound spaciousness and magical release, I am ready to be completely vulnerable about where I am, who I am and what I am about.
Let’s begin by going back to my childhood. I was a little girl who loved talking to and teaching her dolls. Her 8 cabbage patch kids to be exact. Since a very young age, I dreamt of one day having children of my own much like most of us women who are biologically created with the itch to be a mommy and/or raised to believe that our purpose in life is to procreate with our prince charming whenever he finds us.
My own family dissipated when I was 4 years old and one of the ways I coped was by dreaming about how my own family would be one day.
Most of you know that I did not meet the love of my life until I was 41 years old. Let’s face it, a lot of that was God and the other half was me not being ready to embark on the journey of love because of my own pain and emotional turmoil.
I’ve been reading a good book called All About Love by Bell Hooks where she quotes Erich Fromm in book The Art of Loving. Fromm writes: ‘To love someone is not just a strong feeling-it is a decision, it is a judgment, it is a promise. If love were only a feeling, there would be no basis for the promise to love each other forever. A feeling comes and it may go’.
I share this quote with you today because this pretty much sums up a. why I didn’t marry until I was 43 years old and b. why I am feeling so free today just before I begin my 47th adventure around the sun.
Just before Chris and I married in July of 2020, he scheduled his reversal vasectomy on March 3rd of 2020, 10 days before the world blew up with covid. He was not gung-ho about this procedure or about having a 3rd child after the two he already has from his first marriage. His exact words to me during our conversations about having a kid together were ‘I have kid PTSD from my kids and I don’t think I want another one.’
He wasn’t wrong, his kids were extremely challenging the first year I knew them, then got worse, and it isn’t until now that we are starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel. Never in million years did I think that being a stepmom would be the absolute most difficult experience I’ve had to endure. His kids have good hearts and I love them. The reality is that Brooklyn’s autism and Eli’s severe ADHD have been thorns on this rose called life that have truly challenged my ability to self-regulate, stay calm, and be the adult/acting with emotional maturity. The good news is that I’ve been able to withstand the storms and it feels as though them getting older is helping us all to find refuge and enjoy one another when we are together.
Back to 2020 about 3 months after the reversal vasectomy, doctors said we could get started on the baby making around June of 2020 and so we did. I was convinced that I would be pregnant within 3 months. Around November of 2020, I went to see a fertility doctor to see about what we could do to help.
Chris and I took a wazoo of supplements that were supposed to help him and myself then when that didn’t work, we started thinking outside the box…okay maybe outside my box because nowadays IUI & IVF seem to be almost as common as getting pregnant naturally. I had been fertile in the past and I thought I would never have to take these routes. Chris was also not gung-ho about IVF so that was a consideration of mine before making the big decision to do it.
The one last thing I did try before IVF was Panchakarma which is an Ayurvedic detox that is supposed to clean the system from the inside out and clear away literally ‘a shit ton’ of toxins. The Panchakarma happened in spring of 2022 and it was hands down, the most amazing cleanse I’ve ever felt. By end of summer 2022, I was talking to fertility clinics in the U.S. and in Colombia.
At the end of October 2022, Chris and I planned our first trip to Colombia together where he was able to meet my family and witness the spectacular beauty of the country where my roots come from. While there, we started the IVF process, then Chris left in early November and I stayed back to begin the 14 days of injections to produce a good quantity of eggs to fertilize. On November 19, 2022, there were 10 healthy eggs retrieved from my body and my doctor raved about how impressed he was to see a 45 year old woman with a good number of eggs. I felt hopeful. Then the next day, I got the call that the fertilization of my eggs with my husband’s sperm was not viable. Even IVF would not make this work for us.
I came back home to the PNW on November 21st of 2022 and fell into a deep dark depression that lasted through the holidays. It was so difficult to wrap my head and heart around what we just did only to get the same answer we had gotten before…because of his vasectomy, Chris was infertile. The only option would be for me to choose a sperm donor if we wanted to move forward with trying to have a baby through pregnancy.
During this depressive wave, I knew I needed something to help me get out of the funk so I told Chris I needed to go on a wellness retreat. In February of 2023, I went to the Dominican Republic to soak up all of its goodness – the sun, the ocean, the natural wildlife of this island and more importantly, the Spirit that lives on the land and inside the people from there. The retreat was a wonderful reset and there I received the message from my heart that I needed to keep going, I needed to try to make the baby happen.
In April of 2022, I decided to choose a donor. He would be a Colombian man with hazel eyes and dark hair like my husband. The donor ID# was chosen and communicated, but there were a few more steps needed. Just before hitting the green light to fertilize my eggs with this donor sperm, Chris got news of being laid off from work. I took this as a sign that I needed to press pause on this decision and so I did.
Summer came and went, we had some good times in our new travel trailer. We visited one of my favorite places called the Olympic National Forest in Washington. Chris, the kids and I all enjoyed the magnificent beauty of this forest. Sol Duc Falls is one of the most gorgeous waterfalls I have ever seen and each time we go there, I am amazed by the astonishing beauty and palpable energy that radiates from the water and greenery.
I had told myself that in September of 2023, I would revisit the baby thing and so I did. Two weeks after talking with the fertility doctor in Bogota, on the night of the Fall equinox, I participated in a ceremony that changed my mind, healed the deep-seated grief inside me and transformed my heart. The message I received from Spirit, God, The Virgin Mary, and my paternal grandmother Mama Conchita (who birthed 8 children and became widowed in her early 40’s) was that I could let this baby dream go.
The exact words I heard were ‘you don’t need this to be happy and fulfilled’, ‘Mother Earth is tired, please listen to hear heartbeat and connect with how tired she is’, ‘there are enough people on this planet’, ‘there are more than enough children already who need attention and love’. I heard my grandmother whisper, ‘do something different’, ‘you can create other things that will nurture you and others’, ‘your gifts will be your baby’, ‘you will birth your Self instead of a baby’.
These are really BIG words to hear and to take in. It’s been about 2 months since the day of Fall equinox on September 22nd of 2023. After hearing these words, my heart was beating so hard in my chest that I could barely breath or control myself. I was having a panic attack. It was as though the fear, the grief, all of the sad and anger I felt about not being a mother was bubbling up to the surface and causing a big physiological reaction in my body.
What I did not know is that this experience was a BIG RELEASE of energy, of emotions that needed to be felt and released so that I could begin to be set free. Free from the pain, from the sorrow, from the inadequacy I had been feeling for years about not being a mom to my own child, about not knowing what it’s like to birth a child from my body or have that deep connection with another human being I created inside of me through love through God’s love, power and will.
Today, about 2 months later a few other things have transpired and more emotional release has happened on its own timing. More healing than ever would have imagined possible in such a short period of time. Through the 9- month breathwork training I started this November, I was miraculously able to birth a baby energetically and I saw her clearly… the baby girl I had dreamt of having my whole life, the girl I would name Rio Savannah which was the name I would scribble on my notebooks in high school.
It's hard to put into words how profound this whole experience has been for me. I feel so much gratitude in my heart and peace in my mind because the dream of being a mom to my own child no longer has a strong hold over me. I don’t need this to be happy, fulfilled, worthy, enough. I don’t need this to make me a real woman. It has taken me years to get to this place where I can write this and say it out loud without wanting to cry and/or feel shame.
I can say with complete truth that I will forever grieve the loss of this dream I carried with me for most of my life. I can also say with complete honesty that I am okay with this reality because I love the life I have created for myself, the life that God has gifted me with. When you imagine your life to look one way and then you get something different, a big part of the grief is the loss of what you dreamt or imagined would happen, but never did.
What is missing is being called mom and knowing what that bond feels like. What is present is a lot of love in my heart to give, a lot of ideas to share, and a lot of gratitude for being who I am, where I am and what I am about.
Since making the big decision to shelf the baby dream, I have had a surge of energy as the grief has moved away from the Stages of Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and towards Acceptance. Grief is painful as it robs us of our life force. Since the grief has moved through me, I have been able to focus more on all of the things I want to create in this lifetime. Creations for my Self and for others. Creations that God wants me to create with the heart, mind, spirit, voice and hands that were given to me for a special reason.
A few of the things I have done in the last 2 months to direct my energy, focus and love have been: volunteering for Friends of Trees to plant more trees that will hopefully help Mother Earth and her people; volunteering with Chris at our church for a program called Foster Parents Night Out where we hang out with foster kids one Saturday per month so that their foster parents can have a break; signing up for an Oil Painting class because my creative side wants to draw and paint more; starting to write my first children’s book; and lastly I finally started the Root&Connect podcast so I can share the wisdom I’ve gained from working with kids, teens, and adults as a counselor for 16 years.
This is my first time to introduce the podcast and I will say it feels scary to put it out there, but I feel excited to be sharing my voice with others. If you would like to follow the Root&Connect podcast please visit:
https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/angela-guerrero-chapin
There are currently 5 episodes on the podcast. I plan to add many more of my sharing and eventually inviting others to share alongside me. I think there is a section where you can comment, please do so if you feel inspired to. I would love to receive any and all feedback. Please keep in mind that this is a new project and I am not aiming for perfection. What matters most is that I get what’s inside of me out to share with others in the hope that it will help, heal, and raise awareness because living consciously is one of my number one values.
Cheers to age 46. Here’s to celebrating ages 0-46 because I have lived and learned so much and my life truly is blessed and full.
Thank you for taking the time to read about my process. If you know of any women in your life who are childless not by choice, I encourage you to share this with intention to bring hope and let them know that they are not alone.
We are never alone. God is with us. Love is all there is.
