Have you ever thought about why people hurt one another? I would like to believe that most of the time, people are not hurting each other intentionally, but rather their own hurt is what causes them to say or do things that wound others.
Often times, people say or do things without thinking of how it's going to be perceived. Words or actions get misinterpreted and the result is someone feeling attacked, criticized, doubted or judged. Once the defenses go up, people may lose sight of what they are saying or how they are reacting and ultimately one or both parties end up hurt. Many times we get triggered by something that someone says or does without even fully understanding why we are internally having such a negative response.
During one of my group sessions, one of the members was talking about his ex-wife. He was sharing about the things she used to do in their marriage that led him to feel that she was crazy and why he asked for a divorce. He went on about her and then somewhere in the middle of his story, he casually slipped in the fact that she had grown up in a very dysfunctional home where her emotional needs were not met.
This got me to thinking about the vicious cycle of pain that gets passed down through generations. Our life circumstances and sometimes trying experiences throughout childhood, adolescence, and adulthood stick with us and mold us into who we are and how we choose to be in the world. Our triggers come from certain experiences we have with people who at one point or another said or did something that hurt us.
If our parent's parents did not get their emotional needs met, then it's probable that our parents may not have either. The chain continues and so we end up seeking to find a life partner that we think is going to fill the void that we so desperately crave to be filled because of what we needed and didn't get for various reasons earlier in our lives.
In essence, we are all human with similar emotional needs. Think about what your emotional needs might be. Do you need understanding, acknowledgement, respect, companionship, meaning, structure, passion, belonging, clarity, trust, encouragement or purpose?
The next time you find yourself feeling hurt by someone else, remember that 1) he/she may not have intentionally meant to hurt you and 2) he/she may be hurting as well. Instead of allowing yourself to get sucked into the trap of feeling hurt, getting defensive, and lashing out words that you will probably regret; focus on what you are really feeling, think about what it is that you need in that moment, and try asking for it.
I think that perhaps this is one way to stop the cycle of hurt people, hurting people.