Part I

If there is one topic in a therapy session that I consider to be complex, it's this one. I often tell my clients that when we get into a space of talking about trust and what it means, we could potentially be here for a while because trust is something with many layers. I say that trust is dynamic.

The definition of dynamic is (of a process or system) characterized by constant change, activity, or progress.

I know that I myself have been in a space with trust for quite some time now and the more I meditate on this topic, the more I learn what it means to me, the better I understand the role it plays in my life to influence how I exist in the world.

The urge to write about trust first came to me sometime in the late summer, early fall of 2017. At the time, I was living in Portland and had begun contemplating whether or not I felt that Portland, Oregon was the city where I wanted to plant roots and stay put for a while. I remember telling myself that I would Let Go and Let God decide since that was what much of my time in Portland had been centered around since moving here in January of 2016.

My moving from Texas to Oregon and leaving everything that was familiar, everyone I knew, and all that was comfortable for me took real courage because deep down, I felt fear about being so far away from my comfort zone and the people I love and care for most.

I remember a good friend of mine named Jenny, who I've known since I was 3 years old saying to me in early February of 2016 (about a month after arriving in Portland), 'I have a New Years challenge for you...Why don't you ask God what he's about. Ask Him if He's real. Ask Him to reveal Himself to you.

These words stuck with me like paper on glue and shifted my perspective in such a way that forever changed me. It felt as though this message from my dear friend was the initiation of a new beginning and a much needed transformation in my life that involved my letting go of control, embracing uncertainty, and fully trusting that God was going to lead the way AND show me how to follow.

A definition of initiation is a rite of passage marking entrance or acceptance into a group or society. It could also be a formal admission to adulthood in a community. Moving to the Pacific Northwest at the ripe age of 39 and watching what unfolded in terms of who I met both in my office seeking therapy from me or outside of my office in my personal life, felt like an experiment of learning how to do adulthood in a new land. It felt like an experiment in trust because I was finally ready to work on my relationship with God in a way I had never done before.

In a sense, I turned my fear of living so far away from 'home' into a challenge of seeing how much faith I really had and how much I was willing to allow God to steer my ship. A challenge to see how much control I would be able to give up in order to see God's plan and accept his will for me.

This continues to be a day to day challenge for me, for most of the people I come across in my office who are struggling, and for people who I call my friends and family. In my opinion, this process of learning how to let go, to really let go and allow for things to flow in the way they are meant to...IS a life long journey that requires patience, compassion, love, and oh so much surrender.

Part II

Back to my urge to write about trust in late August, early September of 2017. So I tell myself to Let Go and Let God help me to decide what is best. Around mid summer in June or July, I decide to reach out to a realtor who connects me with a loan officer to see if I qualified to buy my own place. By this time, I had been in Portland for 1.5 years and was feeling happy to be here on most days with the ever so often residual feelings of homesickness for Texas (aka my comfort zone) and more importantly, feeling the need to see and be with my parents.

I remember praying to God (prayer: otherwise known as talking to God or having a dialogue with God that involves you talking about what's on your mind and in your heart and practicing silence/stillness as you wait to hear a response or an answer). It was clear I felt confused about what the best next step would be for me because I felt I needed to choose between staying in Portland to plant roots and call Oregon home or go back to Austin because well...Texas has been home for the majority of my life. It's where I'm from.

For some reason, I always told myself that no matter where I would stray away to, Texas would be where I would end up because that is where I've lived the longest and it's where people know me and have known me before 'the initiation'.

In late August of 2017, I took a trip to Dominican Republic which I also like to call el paraiso (paradise). It was precisely in this week of my experiencing the land of paradise, that the land I called home during my childhood and adolescence was hit by Hurricane Harvey resulting in all kinds of d's – drowning, destruction, devastation, dreadful, disaster, deaths.

My parents living in Houston during Harvey were fortunately blessed to be taken care of by God as destruction happened all around them, but somehow they managed to stay protected and dry. I distinctly remember the moment I was sitting in the Miami airport waiting for my flight back to Portland, watching the news on Harvey, seeing the aftermath of this natural disaster, and saying to myself 'I am so far away from home', 'what if something horrible were to happen to my parents?', 'how would I be there for them if I live so far away?'

Shortly after getting back to Portland, it was the weekend and I was buying groceries to restock my fridge after being gone for so long. I vividly remember I was picking out fruit and suddenly I had a 'feeling' and then felt an inner voice inside me that said 'it's time to go home...back to Texas'. I was so sure of what I felt and heard that I remember sending a text message to one of my closest friends Leah, telling her that I would be moving back to Texas in the next month or so once I was able to find a job in Austin. The date I sent her the text was September 2nd.

That same day I began looking for work in Texas with complete faith and trust in God that if I was meant to be back there, something would open up and sure enough it did. On October 2nd, I was given a job offer. This solidified for me that I was doing 'the right thing' and that my decision to go back 'home' was what my heart, my mind, and what God wanted for me.

On November 1st, I was all packed up to begin the road trip back to Texas in the yellow beast otherwise known as Penske truck with my good friend Duncan who I've known since I was about 8 years old.

Part III

After 4 days and 3 long nights of driving across the country through some beautiful states I had never laid eyes on like Idaho and Utah, then through New Mexico, and the long drive that is Texas, I arrived in Austin around 2am on Sunday, November 5th of 2017 (daylight savings day).

On Monday, November 6th, I was expected to show up to my first day of work at the new job. I started as planned and within a few weeks, I knew the position was not right for me nor was it what I had imagined nor what I had been communicated it would be.

In addition to the job not panning out as I had hoped, Austin did not feel like home to me anymore. I felt foreign in a city that 1. is my birth place and 2. is where I have lived on and off for the last 20 years of my life. For some reason, Austin no longer felt familiar to me in the way it always had in the past. Within the first few weeks of my move back Texas, I realized that moving back to Austin was a huge mistake. I was having a visceral reaction and every cell in my being told me that this was no longer where I was supposed to be.

By early December, I started getting sick with cedar fever. Things went from bad to way worse when my allergic reaction to the cedar pollen was preventing me from sleeping at night and actually causing me to feel asphyxiated. I would wake up in the middle of the night at 2 or 3am and have to sit up in bed so that I didn't feel as though I was drowning in nasal congestion or suffocating to death from not being able to breathe.

One night while I was awake from about 3am to 5am, I decided to google cedar fever. I discovered that 2018 was recorded as the worst year for Austin's cedar season because of the increased rain and particularly rains from Hurricane Harvey that increased the pollen levels. In a typical year, the pollen count in Austin is anticipated anywhere between 5,000-10,000 grains per cubic meter of air. In 2018, the pollen count could range anywhere between 10,000-60,000, which is rare.

I made the decision to move back to Austin in the absolute worst month of the year just in time to experience what I refer to as cedar fever hell! It's amazing how much you grow to appreciate your natural breath when you're in a physical condition for weeks that no longer allows you to breathe easily. I can honestly say, that those 5 weeks spent with cedar fever were by far the worst allergic reaction I have ever had and (fingers crossed) that I ever will have again. I was sleep deprived, groggy, tired, lethargic and cloudy in my head.

On January 13, 2018, I had an emotional meltdown and could not get out of bed as I cried hard knowing that I felt stuck in this new job I did not want to work, in a dark apartment that felt more like a cave which I no longer wanted to live in, and wanting the life I had just left behind in Portland.

I reached out to people in Portland to begin communicating what was happening for me. Some of the most comforting advice I got was from my cousin Sabrina who understands me well. She said, 'Live the life you want to live. You need to decide where you want to be and truly commit to building your life there'. A good friend named Sloan heard the news and wrote me this: 'Damn girl, sorry to hear about the pollen situation, it totally sucks when nature doing her own thing fucks us up! At least you had the courage to go back to Texas, if nothing else a learning experiment'.

These words stayed with me. They helped.

The realization I came to on this day was that moving back 'home' to Texas was indeed a move of courage. Not because of the logistics, the time, money, and effort it took for me to move from one city to another. The courageous part was recognizing that my fear was what had driven me back to Texas in the first place and now my heart was telling me that fear cannot be the driving force behind any big decision I make for my life. It dawned on me that the real courage was in the acceptance that Austin was no longer home for me.

Austin, the place where I was born, where I went to college and learned, where I established some of my closest friendships in my late teens and early 20's, where I tasted freedom, partied like a rock star, explored myself, fell in love a few times, and experimented with the highs and lows of coming into adulthood, now felt like a different place for me.

For years, Austin was a security blanket and a safety net I would run back to when things felt hard, got messy, lonely or uncomfortable. I left Austin in 2000 to move to Paris, France and came back in 2001. I left Austin in 2003 to move to San Francisco and came back in 2004. I left Austin in 2009 to move to Houston and came back in 2010. I left Austin in 2016 to move to Portland and came back in 2017.

Here I was in 2018, 18 years later being faced with one of my biggest fears staring at me right in the face. This fear spoke to me and said, 'Angela, when will you finally stop being afraid of commitment?' and 'When will you stop running away from the discomfort of feeling lonely?' 'Now is the time make the decision to just be where you are and feel at peace within your own self regardless of whether or not you have someone to walk this life with you or not'.

Part IV

Once I knew what I had to do, the universe/God began assisting and forcing me to make changes and make them quickly. My last day of working the job I was miserable in was on February 2nd and by March 31st my cave apartment was nearly packed up and ready to be moved with the generous help of my family. While my brothers Ricardo and John Paul moved the furniture into the yellow beast, my mom and dad assisted with getting the last few things wrapped and packed up. It was a family affair which I have to say felt really good for me.

I think in my 41 years of life, I have probably moved out of one place and into another at least 10 different times and never in all of those moves had I had the courage and felt vulnerable enough to ask my entire family for help. It was wonderful to see how my parents and brothers stepped up to the plate to help me during this rocky time in my life of feeling unsettled and emotionally drained from so much change in so little time.

My last few days in Texas were spent in Houston with my parents and my beloved gato Lamar. On Thursday, April 5th (exactly 5 months later from the date of my arrival to Austin), my dad and I ventured out in the yellow beast (Penske truck) to drive across the country for the next 4 days. There were moments when the driving was exhausting for us both, but luckily we survived the trip without any major wounds.

It was a true blessing to have been able to go back to Portland with my father. He shared stories with me from his past and about his ancestors. I felt proud of him for being able to brave such an intense road trip and grateful to him for being my companion on this journey back to the place I was consciously choosing to now call home. We spent a few days together in Portland as I got to show him some of the places I love most around the city. This was a special time for us both that I know we will remember fondly.

Part V

So much has happened since my dad left Portland on April 12th. Too much to go into detail about because the truth is, I would rather not remember a lot of what happened in the first few months of my being back. What I will say is that my test of faith did not end in Austin, Texas.

My trust in God was escalated to levels unfathomable that seriously rocked me to my core and caused me to feel more fear than I have ever felt in my life.

Uncertainty took on a whole new meaning and loss became a part of my day to day when I was forced to find a new home for myself without Lamar who had been my best friend for the last year after adopting him on April 30th of 2017. I grew attached to Lamar which for me isn't an easy thing. As you can imagine, someone who moves around as much as I do, has a tendency to not get too attached to anything because attachments just get in the way of making changes when it's time to step into change.

The wonderful news is that God graced me with a new best friend who I happen to have met shortly after arriving back in Portland. He isn't as fluffy and soft as Lamar was, but what is even more fantastic is that this new friend loves to sing just as much as me so we can have fun anywhere, anytime. As long as we've got our voices, we are just fine. Actually, we are better than fine. We are happy as we take small steps daily to bring joy into each other’s lives.

This person showed up during a time when my trust was wavering strong and I truly needed a friend to help heal my Lamar wounds. He showed me that I could trust him and so the only thing left for me to do was to continue my work in learning to trust God...No. Matter. What.

I learned that when all hope is lost, hope is actually just around the corner. In times when I want to grasp or control or hold on tight, what I need to do instead is truly Let Go and Let God lead the way. I believe that this is the secret to living a peaceful existence, to feel real joy and gratitude for all the ways in which life abundantly blesses us each day. There is no magic in learning how to trust. The magic lies in Believing.

It has taken me 41 years to figure this out. I can now say with a whole heart that I know and believe God loves me. I believe God is always taking care of me. I believe God is with me and inside of me moment to moment and breath by breath.

I believe and understand so I will continue to let go by trusting this process we call Life.

I trust God because I know I am being guided each day to learn, laugh, love, and truly live with presence and truth towards myself and with others.

Writing this blog post has taken me almost a year to complete. I have felt fear about putting myself out there this much. I have also gained a lot more courage and feel much more comfortable being vulnerable because these difficult life experiences from the last year have humbled me and helped me learn how to move towards my fear rather than away from it.

Ironically, these last few words fall during the anniversary of Hurricane Harvey so I dedicate this act of courage and vulnerability to those who suffered in Houston one year ago. To the people who showed tremendous courage in the face of fear and uncertainty in their own lives. I also dedicate this to Lamar who will always hold a special place in my heart because falling in love with Lamar came so naturally. The feline who taught me how to love more.

Trust is the way. I Believe it is the only way to live with peace. I Believe and so I Trust.

Dad and I at Council Crest Park (highest point of Portland, Oregon) - April 10, 2018