This is a topic that I have been wrestling with for the last few years. Since becoming a psychotherapist and working more with adults, I find that about 95% of my clients are coming in for various reasons, with different stories/life experiences, and sharing a common factor that is, this deep sense of lacking, that I believe we as humans all feel.
I see how difficult it is for people to be kind, gentle, and loving towards themselves. It astounds me how most of the time it is because of two emotions that creep around their psyche and cause them to feel so much pain that continues to get fed by their self loathing. These two emotions are the ones we don't like to feel and definitely don't want to talk about- guilt and shame.
I've read articles and heard about how much of this may actually stem from our childhood when our developing minds are constantly hearing things like- “No” or “Don't do that” or “That's wrong.” All parents mean well with the intention to protect and correct. Our self is constantly being told what to do or what not to do during life's stages of childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood until finally we become an adult who is then 'allowed' to think and feel however we want.
What's interesting is once we're at this point, where we're free to decide who we are, who we want to be or what we want to do, we seem to be too weighed down by feelings of guilt and shame to be able to make these determinations with confidence and love for self. For some reason, the choices we've made throughout our life that led us down hurtful paths of feeling regret or remorse seem to have more power over us then feelings of self forgiveness and understanding.
The realization I have been having most recently in the last year is that the more I accept myself with all of the good choices I've made along with all the bad ones, the more I am able to feel worthy of living a life of value and the more self worth I grow. My worth not only comes from how I treat myself, but also from how I treat others and what I have to give. Being self absorbed actually stunts the growth of your self worth because if you are not able to think outside of yourself, you limit true connection and we humans, are meant to connect with others in order to feel whole.
Self worth is not something that just happens one day that you can check off of your to do list. It is a practice that needs to be nurtured moment to moment and day by day. If I live in a state of constant self rejection where I allow myself to believe that my value is only worth what others believe it is, then of course the end result is that I will experience life and the world as a constant rejection. If I believe that what I do isn't good enough, what I say doesn't matter, and who I am depends on how others view me, then the end result is that I am disconnected from myself because I haven't taken the time to actually know myself and grow my worth according to what I stand for and what I value as important.
I can't talk about self worth without mentioning self compassion because it wasn't until I discovered self compassion, that I was able to really begin to understand and nurture my self worth. Self compassion is learning how to become your own best friend. It is treating yourself the way you would treat a dear friend, a beloved pet or an innocent child by being loving, kind, and gentle with your words and with your actions. This is where our inner dialogue (inner voice) plays a big role in how we feel about ourselves, how we view our self, and how worthy we believe that we are.
A few weeks ago, I started taking a class to learn about Acceptance Commitment Therapy where we have been discussing how our life experiences, thoughts, and actions can be in favor of suffering or of valued living. My understanding thus far is that we all have the ability to accept what is, with less struggle and commit to living a life of value.
Here are a few questions that come to mind when I think of measuring whether or not your self worth is growing or may need some nurturing:
What do you do to take care of your mind, body, spirit, and emotions?
How do you talk to yourself?
Do you listen more to your inner critic (devil) or your inner compassion (angel)?
What do you value?
What do you do to move in direction of your values?
Do you value yourself?
What do you believe about yourself?
Do you believe in yourself?
Who do you see when you look in the mirror? What do you say?
How accepting are you of your faults or flaws?
What things do you do to show yourself love, kindness, and gentleness?
What do you really need in order to be happy?
How much gratitude do you feel and show?
How do you treat others?
What do you do for others?
How do you make others feel?
What do you do, all on your own, that makes you feel whole?
How much time do you spend creating vs. thinking about creating?
Who determines who you are?
An old friend reminded me of a saying this week that I think ties in nicely with this topic of self worth: “We accept the love we think we deserve.” What if I shape that in a different way and say...“When we learn to accept love from our own self, we will believe in the love we know that we deserve.”
A newer friend shared this with me recently that I feel sums up where I am now regarding my own self worth:
“If you want something really, really badly, let go of it completely.
When you let go, you will suddenly remember that you are complete as is.
This will also give the thing you wanted, or even better, a chance to come to the centered, complete and worthy new you.
The crazy thing is, it suddenly won't be the source of your happiness.
You will be the source of your happiness.
Everything that comes into your life is a by-product of how truly connected and accepting you are of yourself.”