Lately, I have been pondering what it really means to forgive, why there is a driving force within us that struggles with whether or not we can forgive others, and most importantly the difficulty that most of us have with forgiving our own self.
Most recently, it dawned on me that perhaps we call it ForGive as a way of saying: For others and self, Give understanding. And in order for us to better understand, it takes having the ability to feel empathy for what another is experiencing and feeling by putting ourselves in their shoes.
As a counselor for groups of people who have been accused of domestic violence, this topic of forgiveness comes up often because either 1. these men are working through how to forgive their partners for instigating them towards a certain level of aggression or 2. these men are working through how to forgive themselves for the actions they chose to take during a heated moment of conflict.
The act of forgiveness has changed shape in my own life as I have learned to interpret it as a means to freedom and liberation from things that weigh me down and cause me to be less kind and gentle towards myself which directly influences me to be less kind and gentle towards others. I will never forget the day (many years ago) that a good friend of mine said two simple words that created an internal shift within me and changed how I felt about myself and the things that had occurred in my past that caused me to beat myself up. He said, “Forgive yourself” and just like that, there was deeper understanding of my own pain.
If and when you contemplate how you could ever forgive someone else for the hurt they caused you, remember to keep in mind the truth that we are all human. We all make mistakes. We all suffer and we all hurt at one time or another. What we all need and want from each other is understanding and the way to get there is through love and empathy.
To practice true empathy imagine slipping out of your own shoes to slip into those of another. Try to sink into a higher level of awareness that realizes this: Often what we do and what others do is the sum of past experiences plus choices we make and sometimes those choices end up hurting either ourselves or someone else. This is called being human.
Here are some quotes I like on forgiveness:
“Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” ~Jesus
“Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” ~Oscar Wilde -Writer and Poet
"Love yourself. Forgive yourself. Be true to yourself. How you treat yourself sets the standard for how others will treat you." ~Steve Maraboli
“Holding on to anger, resentment and hurt only gives you tense muscles, a headache and a sore jaw from clenching your teeth. Forgiveness gives you back the laughter and the lightness in your life.” ~Joan Lunden –Journalist and Author