Mention Emotion

I often think of how to communicate the importance of befriending emotions and forming a new kind of relationship with all of them, not just the ones we want to feel like joy, love, peace, gratitude, and excitement.

It dawned on me not too long ago that the word mention has similar letters to the word emotion if you jumble them around.

In the last year of my being a full time therapist, I’ve come to the realization that I spend the majority of time talking with clients about two things that I believe shape so much of our lives: Relationships and Communication.

I begin each session with checking in to see if clients can identify their own emotions. “What are some feelings you've had in the last week?”, I ask. The usual responses are 'okay', 'good’, 'bad' or 'terrible', none of which are actual emotions. My next question is “what are actual feelings you've had that you can identify?” This is my way of encouraging people to name their emotions.

A common term that many in my field know and use is ‘Name to Tame’. What this means is that when we learn to name an emotion we are feeling, we can calm the emotion somewhat by giving it the attention it needs.

As soon as we are able to connect with our self enough to recognize and label a feeling, there is often an immediate physiological response where the body relaxes and an emotional response of relief from the feeling that is causing us pain. The feeling may not actually go away, but instead its power is lessened.

Recently, I learned that the actual life span of an emotion is 90 seconds so essentially when we experience a big emotion in our body such as anger or sadness or shame, the reason it lasts longer than 90 seconds is because our mind has come on board to feed the emotion with thoughts that reinforce it. At this point, the body (emotion) and mind (thoughts) are in relationship working together to make the emotion(s) feel larger than life and impossible to manage or tame.

Understanding the relationship between the body and mind is crucial for us to learn how to calm our self, particularly in moments when we are having big emotions. Managing emotions otherwise known as emotional regulation begins with forming a new kind of relationship with your emotions where you mindfully take a pause to allow yourself to breathe, feel, identify, and label the feeling before getting swallowed up by a wave of energy that feels too large to swim in.

Once you label the emotion you are feeling, the next step is to have the courage to communicate it out loud either to yourself or to another. You mention emotion in order to communicate what you are feeling because if you don't, suppression will lead to depression.

We mention emotion by using ‘I feel’ messages that communicate what we feel and why we feel it. An example would be, “I feel angry when you say you are going to do something and then you don’t because what that says to me is I can’t depend on you.”

It is important to note that ‘I feel’ messages do not involve statements such as “I feel like you don’t follow through with what you say you are going to do.” Like is not an emotion and most people will not respond well when you make statements that do not involve a feeling.

Can you see the difference between these two statements and why the first may be received with more ease and less defensiveness?

Mentioning the emotion changes the energy of what is being communicated and simultaneously allows your feelings to be respected as much as your thoughts. In this way, more of your whole self feels felt by you and more importantly, validated.

The relationship we have with our own self is essential for us to have meaningful connections with others.

Try this practice and mention emotion often to communicate from a more heart-centered place. The result may be surprising as you begin feeling more connected with self and with those around you.

Here are a few questions on Relationships and Communication you can ask yourself:

How do I communicate with myself? Lovingly or Harshly?

Can I easily identify what I am feeling?

Do I communicate my feelings with others?

What is the relationship with my emotions like?

Do I usually reject or accept my big emotions?