The present

It’s a new year and oh what a relief to come out of the December darkness I was in. The last few months of 2021 felt like a gradual unhinging that came loose around winter solstice and the days leading up to Christmas.

The holidays can be a time where things bubble up for all of us. I know that for me this year, my emotions got really big, erupted, and spewed all over the people I live with who I call my newish family- my husband Chris and his kids.

Then the first day of the year arrived which felt like a revival. January 1st- a new year, a fresh start, a blank slate to Begin Again. Surprisingly the weather was absolutely perfect so we decided to visit the mountain and frolic in the snow with the new snowshoes that Chris gifted us.

We stepped one foot in front of the other feeling refreshed by the cold, crisp air, the sun shining on our faces and all of nature that seemed to glow from the reflection of the sun on the white snow. I basked in the beauty and remembered the feeling of joy as it radiated through me. Hope for the beginning of a new year tickled my insides. I was back. Ready to Begin Again in 2022.

The past

Rewind to when the picture above was taken. This is the tan version of me some time in September of 2015 while I am adventuring around one of my favorite places on earth – Maui!

I have recently completed the 3000 hours needed to get my license as a Professional Counselor and waiting for my license to arrive so I can officially decide where I want to call home and practice as a fully licensed therapist. As soon as my hours were tallied, I began the process of transformation. I decided to pack up all of my belongings, put them in storage, and hand over the lease of the duplex I had been living in since 2010 to my good friend Manuel.

Completing 3000 hours was a trek that consumed me, my energy, my focus for 2 years. When all was said and done, I decided to throw a 3000 hour party that many friends would remember as my ‘going away’ party. Where I was going was still a mystery to me.

In summer of 2011, I visited Maui for the first time and fell in love with it. I ventured around the whole island and experienced all of its wonder and glory. Later that same year, I visited Portland for the first time on Thanksgiving weekend and also fell in love. The weather was perfect, magic was in the air and I thought that Portland and its surrounding areas were like no place I had ever been before.

Going to Maui again in 2015 after completing my hours was my vacation getaway that would also help me to determine if Maui was where I wanted to call home. After one month of being in Maui, I went back to Austin to contemplate if I had the courage to move to an island on my own and be so far away from family and friends in Texas.

The Choice

The job offer I received from an organization in Maui resulted in very low pay. No shock there. If living on an island was not going to be my destiny for that time in my life, then living in what I call God’s 2nd country would be.

Portland was on my radar despite my hesitancy to move to a much less sunnier place than Maui or Texas.

In November of 2015, I came to see about a job that offered to pay for my move from Austin to Portland. It was also fall so naturally I was giddy with all of the trees having changed colors. A visit to Mount Tabor for the first time and I fell in love with Portland all over again.

My choice was made. I couldn’t believe I was actually going to leave Austin to move to the Pacific Northwest. I was trading sunny days for rainy, reflective days that would turn out to be the medicine I needed to heal myself from the inside out.

I had no idea what the universe had in store for me. When I ponder on this transformation I made at age 39, I realize that – God, spirit, the divine feminine – must have conspired to help me by uprooting me from my comfort zone so that I could break open, transform, heal, grow, and blossom into who I really was and am today – a whole human who actually loves myself and truly means it.

The future

I think about writing my memoir just about everyday now. My plan is to write a book about my life in hopes that it will serve others who are on the path to healing, practicing self love and self acceptance authentically. A shorter way of saying this is: I want to help people who want to get real with themselves and others so they can live free feeling whole.

In this book, I plan to share much more about my path to awakening and evolving into a person who chooses to live consciously and honors my consciousness because this is the highest, truest form of me. My consciousness is the person observing my Self. It’s the part of me who sees, hears, feels, senses, thinks, acknowledges and accepts me without judgement, without fear. It’s the part of me that is guided by a knowing that comes from my spirit and my heart and is fueled by presence and infinite love.

Here are some of the words of wisdom that my raised level of consciousness came up with during the darker days that ended the 2021 year for me. I wanted to share them with you and the rest of humanity living the human experience:

You have to Get Uncomfortable to Be Comfortable.
You have to feel alone in your pain. No one else is going to walk you through it. Learn to hold your own hand.
Boundary setting involves DISENGAGING. First externally, then internally. Hold onto your Power.
Be Vulnerable or Be Lonely.
Love is not about needing someone. It’s about wanting to Be With someone and taking pleasure in getting your needs met by them (at times) because you know what they are and you can communicate them with the person you love.
Move away towards Self Abandonment and Towards Self Reunification
How about some Selfullness? Feel full with Your Self, not full of Your Self.
Self Judgement Equals Self Abandonment. Choose Self Acceptance and Feel your Heart Smile.

Darker days are preparing us to See the Light More Clearly.

Self Compassion is the ultimate form of Love. Compassion for other comes second.

All of what I’ve shared above would not be coming from my heart and mind unless I had experienced the discomfort of the dark days during this past holiday season, the uncertainty of where to live after completing my 3000 hours or from having to make the tough choice to move to a new place with less warmth.

As we begin this new year, I invite you to consider the choices you have to make as opportunities rather than obstacles. Every new day has possibility to be another one of your best days. Turn to your heart to seek answers and trust in the gift of change. One truth to hold onto is that in life, we always have the chance to Begin Again.