Root&Connect Mindfulness for Daily Living - Practices that Matter
When nobody was around, I felt a mixture of comfort and disease. Comfort in the silence, the not having to worry about what others were feeling. Disease about sitting with myself.
So much thinking and pain, shame, sadness, FEAR. Enough fear to fill up a haunted house and make it come to life.
If nobody was around, it meant I was free to do as I please. What will I do with these moments of aloneness? Shall I climb a tree, write, draw, color, or cry?
Oh wait, I know I'll sit around feeling sorry for myself while asking lots of Whys?
Why do I feel so empty? Why do I feel so helpless, so hopeless?
Why can't I feel 'normal' or even better, happy?
What is happy anyway? Is it feeling grateful?
I do have things to feel thankful for – I've got my looks, my smile, my long brown wavy hair. None of this outside stuff matters when you feel so sad and worthless on the inside.
When nobody was around, I would play pretend and imagine myself as a famous movie star. I would sit in front of the bathroom mirror, put my feet in the sink, and talk with myself. I'd make up stories that would usually end in crying. I like to pretend cry at age 3.
Perhaps all of this acting was preparing me for the real tears to come later on in my adulthood.
Growing up feels fun at times, but mostly hard. Life throws you in to experience real, raw pain in the form of abandonment, betrayal, heart break, loss, loneliness, disappointment, disallusionment.
When nobody was around, I dealt with all of this pain. I faced it head on in the mirror, stayed with it, hated it, loved it, cracked open and found the true me under all the dark, gloomy muck that stuck to me each time I loved someone new.
When nobody was around, I healed from the inside out. Dark, dark tunnel and at the end there was light.
Bright sun shining on my face, big heart, new start, Healed and still Healing.
*Being vulnerable is truly the only way to Be. This was written to honor my many years of struggling with depression and codependency.
We officially turn one today even though the idea of rooting and connecting came to life in 2014. Thank you for reading and for being a part of the Root&Connect LLC journey!