Brain Weasels by HeArt by Cody
Emotional Neglect. This is a topic I have been wanting to write about for quite some time now.
I remember the first time I heard these words voiced out loud thinking to myself, 'wow, this very well may be the root of all human suffering'.
As years go by and I sit in my therapist chair listening to people's stories of pain that brought them in to talk with me, I am amazed at how every person's experience can look and sound so different and yet, the common thread circles back to Emotional Neglect.
What is Emotional Neglect anyway?
Well, before I look it up on google, I will share what my brain makes of these two words when you clump them together. Emotions that are ignored. Feelings that are not validated. A child whose needs do not get met because the adults in the room either 1. do not know how to meet the need 2. do not know how to feel their own emotions 3. do not know how to talk about feelings and 4. feel total and complete fear of the energy in the room that requires an overwhelming amount of attention, patience, and understanding.
Now, the google definition 1 says: Emotional Neglect is, in some ways, the opposite of mistreatment and abuse. Whereas mistreatment and abuse are parental acts, Emotional Neglect is a parent's failure to act. It's a failure to notice, attend to, or respond appropriately to a child's feelings.
I also found this information on what is Emotional Neglect in a relationship which says: When a couple is emotionally attuned to each other, they experience emotional connection and emotional intimacy. In a relationship or marriage emotional neglect is when a partner consistently fails to notice, attend to, and respond in a timely manner to a partner or spouse's feelings. ...Emotional neglect is common.
All of us adults know exactly what it feels like when we are not getting the attention we need from our partner. We know when we are feeling an emotional disconnect with someone we love or when a feeling we express is not validated by the person we are seeking to be seen, heard, and felt by.
But, why is this so f..ing hard?
From my own experience and what I know about other humans, I can say that 1. feeling emotions we don't want to feel is extremely Uncomfortable 2. knowing how to validate your own feelings is hard enough so validating someone else's feelings will naturally be a challenge and 3. we are all afraid to show others our big feelings because A. what if we get rejected? B. what if we are seen as weak? C. feelings are for sissies and D. thinking and doing is way more acceptable than feeling.
There is so much more I want and need to say on this topic because it is intricate. It's like an onion that you can never stop peeling the layers of. Sticky, sharp, and pungent. You just want to cover it up, seel it tight, hope and pray that its smell doesn't seep out and start to linger all over the place.
The irony is that, just like an onion, this is exactly what neglecting your emotions will do. Feelings are alive and have a mind of their own. Like an onion, emotions are strong, powerful, pervasive, penetrating, suffocating, and stifling when you ignore them and choose not to express them.
When was the last time you acknowledged how you truly feel inside?
When was the last time you validated your partner's or your child's emotions?
Take a moment to identify what you feel in this moment and name it.
Take a few moments to look at your loved one or child in the eye and say 'I can see that you are feeling sad or angry or disappointed right now, do you want to talk about why?'
This is how we bridge the two hemispheres of our brain. This is a practice that helps us to feel whole.
To be continued….