Self Worth Comes From?

What do you base your self worth on?

Here is me being vulnerable and real with you about what I don’t and what I do base my worth on.

I DON'T base my worth on:

-the attractiveness of my face or body because true beauty comes from within.

-the size of my bank account because money does not define my value.

-the job I go to each day because I don’t live to work, I work to live.

-how many friends I have because quality means more than quantity.

-what my parents think about me because although their opinions matter, they are not perfect either.

- what people say about me because I've learned that when people talk about others, they are mostly criticizing what they don't like about themselves.

-how much a man loves me because having a partner is a part of life, not life itself.

-being a mother because giving birth to another human being doesn’t make you who you are.

-how I think others perceive me because there is no validity in one person's perception.

-the degrees, certifications or licenses I’ve earned because they are just pieces of paper that confirm I made an effort and showed discipline. Nothing more.

-the color of my skin because skin sheds. It’s just an outside layer that protects my inside world. No one color is better than the other.

-people's love for me because how others love me is incomparable to the love I can feel and show myself.

-my achievements because they are things I’ve done well, but I am a human being, not a human doing.

-things like cars, clothes, and other material objects because stuff is just stuff. When I’m on my deathbed, I won’t be thinking about stuff.

-whether or not I receive praise from others because the most important words I need to hear come from inside me.

I DO base my worth on:

-my relationship with God and how often I am able to trust that I am being taken care of.

-how often I practice living with faith rather than with fear.

-the ways that I take care of myself each day.

-how nicely I talk to myself and others.

-how well I listen to myself to meet my own needs.

-choices I make moment to moment that either nourish me or deplete me.

-the compassion, patience, consideration, and love I show others.

-my ability to be flexible in difficult situations.

-the relationships I make effort to cultivate and grow.

-my capacity to remain calm rather than be reactive.

-practicing perseverance in the midst of a challenge rather than giving up.

-how closely I live my life in alignment with my truth and my dreams.

-mindfully communicating my thoughts, feelings, and needs with others.

-the thoughts in my head that I choose to listen to and believe.

-my willingness to follow through with a goal I have set for myself.

-practicing acceptance of what is, rather than what I want it to be.

-the quality of my interactions with people I work with, those I love, and even strangers.

-my ability to keep my word and show integrity.

My Self worth is a process that waxes and wanes. It does not stay the same because I myself am a process that is constantly changing, cultivating, engaging, and rearranging.

If there is one thing I have learned in the last 6 years of working as a psychotherapist, it's that people suffer most from the relationship they have with their own Self. They think they are suffering from a toxic relationship, feelings of rejection from others, not having enough, not being given enough praise, not being respected or loved in the way they long to feel love.

All of this begins with Self. We are the captains of our own vessel.

- If you are in a toxic relationship, learn to set boundaries, demand respect or leave.

-If you feel rejected by others, notice if you are often rejecting yourself.

-If you focus on not having enough, ask yourself when the last time was that you felt gratitude for what you do have?

-If you feel you aren't being given enough praise from others, begin with giving yourself praise rather than expecting it to come from someone else.

-If you feel you aren't being respected or loved in the way you need, pay attention to how you are showing yourself respect and love.

Recently, I heard a quote in a movie 'Dreams are the seeds of action'. This led me to think that our dreams might possibly be the root of our Self Worth because when we truly listen to our dreams, we are listening to what our highest Self is calling us to do. When we take actions that align with our dreams, we are being true to our heart and spirit.

When was the last time, you heard your dreams tell you to 'make more money' or 'buy the bigger house' or 'drive the expensive car'? These are not dreams, these are desires which mostly stem from a place of lack or insecurity.

I believe that our dreams whisper things of more substance such as 'create something with your hands' or 'write a book' or 'tell your story anyway you know how to' or 'build a family' or 'design your life the way you want it to feel' or 'do what you love to do as much as possible' or 'experience something new'.

My dreams encourage me to write from my heart. To speak my truth on paper and share with others in hopes that they may gain insight or feel some sort of healing from it.

If I could sum up in a few words what I think about Self Worth, I would say that your worth depends solely on how you view you, how you treat you, and how you choose to think, feel, and act in accordance with what you want and what you believe will make your dreams come to life.

Rest in Nature and Receive its Good Vibes

In the last few months here in Portland, I've noticed the new buzz topic is on the benefits of being in nature. One of the local radio stations announced last week that the ideal time to be outside connecting with nature is 20 minutes a day.

Naturally, I feel inclined to spread the word because being outside is what I do best. I've spent the majority of my life outside amongst trees and/or being in water since this is something we folks from Texas do a lot of to handle the heat and stay cool.

When people ask why I left Texas to move to Portland, my response is always the same, 'For the trees'.

What I didn't know then, that I am sure of now is that I want to help people feel better through rediscovering life outside of themselves and the places where we spend the most time – our cars, our office, and our home.

Root&Connect recently branched out to become its own business and one of the things I feel most excited about offering is eco-therapy, otherwise known as nature therapy or green therapy. This form of therapy is a practice of the emerging field of ecopsychology which believes that people are a part of the web of life and our psyches are not isolated or separate from our environment.

Essentially, we need nature to help keep us in balance. The reason I want to incorporate this practice into my clinical work is because I believe that we were created to be in connection with earth and its systems. This is what is natural because we as humans are part of nature.

The buzz around town is that being in nature for 20 minutes a day contributes to our overall well-being:

• Emotional- helps us to feel better emotionally by decreasing feelings of anger, fear, and stress; and increasing our pleasant feelings or higher emotions.

• Physical- helps by reducing blood pressure, heart rate, muscle tension, and the production of stress hormones. A new report reveals that exposure to green space reduces the risk of type II diabetes, cardiovascular disease, premature death, and preterm birth.

• Mental- has been proven effective in reducing anxiety and depression because different parts of our brain activate in nature.

The Root&Connect approach is to interweave talk therapy with nature therapy through earthing and practicing mindfulness in nature. I realize that this form of therapy is somewhat outside of the box, but again that is precisely the idea!

We need to get out of our boxes to experience the outside world and feel our very best whenever it is possible.

All it takes is the first step from being indoors to outdoors. Then researching to discover what parks or green spaces are within a 1 mile radius of your home or office. Form a new habit of visiting these spaces often to rest in nature and receive its good vibes. Your whole self will thank you for it and you will notice that you do indeed feel better.

To learn more about the practices offered at Root&Connect, visit these links:

http://www.rootandconnect.com/earthing

http://www.rootandconnect.com/mindfulness-in-nature

My Number One Value is Freedom

While on a walk with my best friend, he asked me a question that I've been reflecting on mindfully for the last 2 to 3 months. His question, “If you had a memoir about your life, what would the title be?

What came to mind within seconds was 'My Journey to Freedom'. The explanation as to why is because my number one value is Freedom and if I look back on what has been important to me throughout the stages of my life, the answer has always been to feel Freedom.

When I think about what freedom means to me, I immediately notice a sense of elation in my heart, body, and mind because the very thought of feeling free gives my life more purpose.

I'm not sure how many people in the world ponder freedom in the same way I do. What I believe is that we ALL ultimately long to feel freedom in one form or another.

We have our desire to feel Freedom from's:

Freedom from stress

Freedom from body pain

Freedom from wanting more

Freedom from our addictions

Freedom from comparing ourselves with others

Freedom from worry about what others think of us

Freedom from worrying about money

Freedom from our negative thoughts

Freedom from emotional pain

Freedom from our racing or irrational thoughts

Freedom from fear of failing

Freedom from feeling insecurities

Freedom from the voice in our head that tells us that we aren't good enough

And our desire to feel Freedom to's:

Freedom to speak up and say what we really think and feel

Freedom to do what we really want to do, when we want to do it

Freedom to make choices that align with our own truth

Freedom to leave a toxic relationship that brings us down rather than lift us up

Freedom to decide what medications we want to take to heal our illnesses

Freedom to choose love over fear

Freedom to choose acceptance over resistance

Freedom to say no

Freedom to say yes

Freedom to be who we really are

Freedom to think for ourselves

Freedom to believe what we want to believe about our self and about the world

Both of these lists could go on and on...Perhaps you could think of some of your own to add.

A similar question you could ask yourself that may help you to identify your number one value is 'what do you live for?'

I know that for me, I have decided to dedicate my life to helping people feel free from mental health symptoms that weigh them down and cause them to question if their life is worth living for.

Depression and Anxiety have become my specialties because these are two mental health disorders that I inherited from my ancestors. I feel a fierce determination to do something about changing the way that many people treat them, refer to them, and even think about them. Lifting the stigma of mental health is one of my reasons for living.

I envision a world where everyone feels freedom from the mental, physical, and emotional pain that these disorders cause people to experience.

We ALL deserve a life where we can honestly say we are free to feel, think, and do as our heart wishes to, as long as we are living in accordance with our highest self while respecting every human being in the same way we want to feel respected. I believe it is possible for everyone to feel this sense of freedom I am talking about as long as our core needs are being met.

Abraham Maslow proposed this theory in psychology in a 1943 paper called 'A Theory of Human Motivation' where he proposed that humans behavioral motivation is based on a pattern and he called it Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. Each of these levels must be satisfied within an individual before the next level for motivation can occur. The levels are:

1. Psychological needs

2. Safety needs

3. Love and Social Belonging

4. Self esteem

5. Self-actualization

The goal in Maslow's theory was for humans to attain the fifth level being Self-actualization which for me basically equates to Freedom. I believe that when you spend the majority of your time focusing your heart, thoughts, and energy on your desires to feel the Freedom to's, the outcome will naturally be that you begin to live in service of what You truly value most, rather than focused on what your parents, your peers, or your partner thinks you 'should' value.

I feel very happy to finally open up my own practice after 5 years of holding onto a vision of what I wanted to do without the freedom to do so.

Root&Connect's purpose is to help guide people towards discovering a deeper relationship with Self through the daily practices of:

• Being Present for Yourself, People, and all Living Things.

• Living in accordance with Your Values.

• Connecting with the Whole You Compassionately because Your Heart, Body, Mind, Spirit, and Emotions all need Nourishment from You, then from Others.

• Mindfulness in Nature because this is what saved me from living in the darkness of Depression and Anxiety. My connection with trees was what initially drew me out of my own suffering. For this, I am eternally grateful to trees for their presence, their shade, and their beauty on planet Earth.

• Self Love through Self-Care.

Freedom is my number one value because my purpose for living is to feel free to be me by thinking, feeling, and acting in accordance with what I believe to be true and important.

If you were given the Freedom to write your own story, what would you call it?

GOAL~ Get Out And Live!

Lately, I've been contemplating what it means to be bored because I have a number of clients, particularly kids, who tell me they feel bored all of the time.

Bored defined is feeling weary because one is unoccupied or lacks interest in one's current activity.

When thinking of how to encourage people to counteract boredom, I started imagining what it means to have a goal and why it's so important for us to create small goals and big goals for ourselves.

Having a goal in mind is like fueling a fire that can easily become dormant or go completely out if we don't give it the energy it needs to stay alive. A goal focuses the mind and gives us motivation to take action towards something that feels meaningful.

Once a goal is achieved, we can appreciate our efforts and bask in feelings of self confidence and self worth that grow out of the knowledge that we are capable, we are enough, and we can do what we discipline our mind and heart to do.

It seems to me that a life with goals, is a life that is being truly lived. Rather than just dream about the things you want to do and accomplish, begin with one small step. A few small steps might quickly snow ball into one big step and before you know it, you are making your dreams a reality.

Believe in yourself, squash your doubts or fears, and set goals that will inspire you to Get Out And Live!

Create

In early August, a good friend came to visit and I got to show her around gorgeous Portland. She and I both love practicing yoga so we went to a studio called Love Hive Yoga. During the class, I was next to a woman who had colors tattooed on her arm. For some reason I was mesmerized by this tattoo and noticed myself asking...What does it mean?

The next day, while I slept in to get some extras z's, my friend walked to a local cafe called Destino which means Destiny. Later I walked there to meet her and inside the coffee shop I discovered some beautiful pieces of wall art.

These were simple yet stunning pieces of art with splendid colors that lit up the cafe. Beside the art was a printed letter by the artist named David Bennett. In the letter, he wrote something along the lines of 'I have created these tapestries to enrich others lives and walls. I have been diagnosed with cancer and not sure of how much time I have to live.”

I feel so thankful that the middle right tapestry is now hanging in my office just left of the couch where my clients sit. During sessions, I now shift my gaze from making eye contact with people and their pain, to look at these marvelous colors and take small breaks to diffuse the energy in the room. These colors evoke peace inside me.

This is a practice I’m now calling Color Relief. Think of it as comedic relief only instead of a humorous character or witty dialogue, I am using color to relieve tension.

What color(s) brings you joy and/or peace? Do you surround yourself with this color?

I am grateful to David Bennett who I believe has passed away. May he rest in peace knowing his creations are admired and useful. The time he dedicated to making this wall art will now forever be alive and appreciated. God Bless those who find the courage to create and share their art with others.

What is something you have always wanted to create, but haven't yet found the time or energy for?

Don't wait until tomorrow to begin. Start today. Now.

Trust

Part I

If there is one topic in a therapy session that I consider to be complex, it's this one. I often tell my clients that when we get into a space of talking about trust and what it means, we could potentially be here for a while because trust is something with many layers. I say that trust is dynamic. 

The definition of dynamic is (of a process or system) characterized by constant change, activity, or progress. 

I know that I myself have been in a space with trust for quite some time now and the more I meditate on this topic, the more I learn what it means to me, the better I understand the role it plays in my life to influence how I exist in the world. 

The urge to write about trust first came to me sometime in the late summer, early fall of 2017. At the time, I was living in Portland and had begun contemplating whether or not I felt that Portland, Oregon was the city where I wanted to plant roots and stay put for a while. I remember telling myself that I would Let Go and Let God decide since that was what much of my time in Portland had been centered around since moving here in January of 2016. 

My moving from Texas to Oregon and leaving everything that was familiar, everyone I knew, and all that was comfortable for me took real courage because deep down, I felt fear about being so far away from my comfort zone and the people I love and care for most.

I remember a good friend of mine named Jenny, who I've known since I was 3 years old saying to me in early February of 2016 (about a month after arriving in Portland), 'I have a New Years challenge for you...Why don't you ask God what he's about. Ask Him if He's real. Ask Him to reveal Himself to you.

These words stuck with me like paper on glue and shifted my perspective in such a way that forever changed me. It felt as though this message from my dear friend was the initiation of a new beginning and a much needed transformation in my life that involved my letting go of control, embracing uncertainty, and fully trusting that God was going to lead the way AND show me how to follow. 

A definition of initiation is a rite of passage marking entrance or acceptance into a group or society. It could also be a formal admission to adulthood in a community. Moving to the Pacific Northwest at the ripe age of 39 and watching what unfolded in terms of who I met both in my office seeking therapy from me or outside of my office in my personal life,  felt like an experiment of learning how to do adulthood in a new land. It felt like an experiment in trust because I was finally ready to work on my relationship with God in a way I had never done before. 

In a sense, I turned my fear of living so far away from 'home' into a challenge of seeing how much faith I really had and how much I was willing to allow God to steer my ship. A challenge to see how much control I would be able to give up in order to see God's plan and accept his will for me. 

This continues to be a day to day challenge for me, for most of the people I come across in my office who are struggling, and for people who I call my friends and family. In my opinion, this process of learning how to let go, to really let go and allow for things to flow in the way they are meant to...IS a life long journey that requires patience, compassion, love, and oh so much surrender. 

Part II

Back to my urge to write about trust in late August, early September of 2017.  So I tell myself to Let Go and Let God help me to decide what is best. Around mid summer in June or July, I decide to reach out to a realtor who connects me with a loan officer to see if I qualified to buy my own place. By this time, I had been in Portland for 1.5 years and was feeling happy to be here on most days with the ever so often residual feelings of homesickness for Texas (aka my comfort zone) and more importantly, feeling the need to see and be with my parents. 

I remember praying to God (prayer: otherwise known as talking to God or having a dialogue with God that involves you talking about what's on your mind and in your heart and practicing silence/stillness as you wait to hear a response or an answer). It was clear I felt confused about what the best next step would be for me because I felt I needed to choose between staying in Portland to plant roots and call Oregon home or go back to Austin because well...Texas has been home for the majority of my life. It's where I'm from. 

For some reason, I always told myself that no matter where I would stray away to, Texas would be where I would end up because that is where I've lived the longest and it's where people know me and have known me before 'the initiation'. 

In late August of 2017, I took a trip to Dominican Republic which I also like to call el paraiso (paradise). It was precisely in this week of my experiencing the land of paradise, that the land I called home during my childhood and adolescence was hit by Hurricane Harvey resulting in all kinds of d's – drowning, destruction, devastation, dreadful, disaster, deaths.

My parents living in Houston during Harvey were fortunately blessed to be taken care of by God as destruction happened all around them, but somehow they managed to stay protected and dry. I distinctly remember the moment I was sitting in the Miami airport waiting for my flight back to Portland, watching the news on Harvey, seeing the aftermath of this natural disaster, and saying to myself 'I am so far away from home', 'what if something horrible were to happen to my parents?', 'how would I be there for them if I live so far away?'

Shortly after getting back to Portland, it was the weekend and I was buying groceries to restock my fridge after being gone for so long. I vividly remember I was picking out fruit and suddenly I had a 'feeling' and then felt an inner voice inside me that said 'it's time to go home...back to Texas'. I was so sure of what I felt and heard that I remember sending a text message to one of my closest friends Leah, telling her that I would be moving back to Texas in the next month or so once I was able to find a job in Austin. The date I sent her the text was September 2nd. 

That same day I began looking for work in Texas with complete faith and trust in God that if I was meant to be back there, something would open up and sure enough it did. On October 2nd, I was given a job offer. This solidified for me that I was doing 'the right thing' and that my decision to go back 'home' was what my heart, my mind, and what God wanted for me. 

On November 1st, I was all packed up to begin the road trip back to Texas in the yellow beast otherwise known as Penske truck with my good friend Duncan who I've known since I was about 8 years old. 

Part III

After 4 days and 3 long nights of driving across the country through some beautiful states I had never laid eyes on like Idaho and Utah, then through New Mexico, and the long drive that is Texas, I arrived in Austin around 2am on Sunday, November 5th of 2017 (daylight savings day).

On Monday, November 6th, I was expected to show up to my first day of work at the new job. I started as planned and within a few weeks, I knew the position was not right for me nor was it what I had imagined nor what I had been communicated it would be. 

In addition to the job not panning out as I had hoped, Austin did not feel like home to me anymore. I felt foreign in a city that 1. is my birth place and 2. is where I have lived on and off for the last 20 years of my life. For some reason, Austin no longer felt familiar to me in the way it always had in the past. Within the first few weeks of my move back Texas, I realized that moving back to Austin was a huge mistake. I was having a visceral reaction and every cell in my being told me that this was no longer where I was supposed to be. 

By early December, I started getting sick with cedar fever. Things went from bad to way worse when my allergic reaction to the cedar pollen was preventing me from sleeping at night and actually causing me to feel asphyxiated. I would wake up in the middle of the night at 2 or 3am and have to sit up in bed  so that I didn't feel as though I was drowning in nasal congestion or suffocating to death from not being able to breathe. 

One night while I was awake from about 3am to 5am, I decided to google cedar fever. I discovered that 2018 was recorded as the worst year for Austin's cedar season because of the increased rain and particularly rains from Hurricane Harvey that increased the pollen levels. In a typical year, the pollen count in Austin is anticipated anywhere between 5,000-10,000 grains per cubic meter of air. In 2018, the pollen count could range anywhere between 10,000-60,000, which is rare.

I made the decision to move back to Austin in the absolute worst month of the year just in time to experience what I refer to as cedar fever hell! It's amazing how much you grow to appreciate your natural breath when you're in a physical condition for weeks that no longer allows you to breathe easily. I can honestly say, that those 5 weeks spent with cedar fever were by far the worst allergic reaction I have ever had and (fingers crossed) that I ever will have again. I was sleep deprived, groggy, tired, lethargic and cloudy in my head. 

On January 13, 2018, I had an emotional meltdown and could not get out of bed as I cried hard knowing that I felt stuck in this new job I did not want to work, in a dark apartment that felt more like a  cave which I no longer wanted to live in, and wanting the life I had just left behind in Portland.  

I reached out to people in Portland to begin communicating what was happening for me. Some of the most comforting advice I got was from my cousin Sabrina who understands me well. She said, 'Live the life you want to live. You need to decide where you want to be and truly commit to building your life there'. A good friend named Sloan heard the news and wrote me this: 'Damn girl, sorry to hear about the pollen situation, it totally sucks when nature doing her own thing fucks us up! At least you had the courage to go back to Texas, if nothing else a learning experiment'. 

These words stayed with me. They helped. 

The realization I came to on this day was that moving back 'home' to Texas was indeed a move of courage. Not because of the logistics, the time, money, and effort it took for me to move from one city to another. The courageous part was recognizing that my fear was what had driven me back to Texas in the first place and now my heart was telling me that fear cannot be the driving force behind any big decision I make for my life. It dawned on me that the real courage was in the acceptance that Austin was no longer home for me. 

Austin, the place where I was born, where I went to college and learned, where I established some of my closest friendships in my late teens and early 20's, where I tasted freedom, partied like a rock star, explored myself, fell in love a few times, and experimented with the highs and lows of coming into adulthood, now felt like a different place for me. 

For years, Austin was a security blanket and a safety net I would run back to when things felt hard, got messy, lonely or uncomfortable. I left Austin in 2000 to move to Paris, France and came back in 2001. I left Austin in 2003 to move to San Francisco and came back in 2004. I left Austin in 2009 to move to Houston and came back in 2010. I left Austin in 2016 to move to Portland and came back in 2017. 

Here I was in 2018, 18 years later being faced with one of my biggest fears staring at me right in the face. This fear spoke to me and said, 'Angela, when will you finally stop being afraid of commitment?' and 'When will you stop running away from the discomfort of feeling lonely?' 'Now is the time make the decision to just be where you are and feel at peace within your own self regardless of whether or not you have someone to walk this life with you or not'.

Part IV

Once I knew what I had to do, the universe/God began assisting and forcing me to make changes and make them quickly. My last day of working the job I was miserable in was on February 2nd and by March 31st my cave apartment was nearly packed up and ready to be moved with the generous help of my family. While my brothers Ricardo and John Paul moved the furniture into the yellow beast, my mom and dad assisted with getting the last few things wrapped and packed up. It was a family affair which I have to say felt really good for me. 

I think in my 41 years of life, I have probably moved out of one place and into another at least 10 different times and never in all of those moves had I had the courage and felt vulnerable enough to ask my entire family for help. It was wonderful to see how my parents and brothers stepped up to the plate to help me during this rocky time in my life of feeling unsettled and emotionally drained from so much change in so little time. 

My last few days in Texas were spent in Houston with my parents and my beloved gato Lamar. On Thursday, April 5th (exactly 5 months later from the date of my arrival to Austin), my dad and I ventured out in the yellow beast (Penske truck) to drive across the country for the next 4 days. There were moments when the driving was exhausting for us both, but luckily we survived the trip without any major wounds. 

It was a true blessing to have been able to go back to Portland with my father. He shared stories with me from his past and about his ancestors. I felt proud of him for being able to brave such an intense road trip and grateful to him for being my companion on this journey back to the place I was consciously choosing to now call home. We spent a few days together in Portland as I got to show him some of the places I love most around the city. This was a special time for us both that I know we will remember fondly. 

Part  V

So much has happened since my dad left Portland on April 12th. Too much to go into detail about because the truth is, I would rather not remember a lot of what happened in the first few months of my being back. What I will say is that my test of faith did not end in Austin, Texas. 

My trust in God was escalated to levels unfathomable that seriously rocked me to my core and caused me to feel more fear than I have ever felt in my life. 

Uncertainty took on a whole new meaning and loss became a part of my day to day when I was forced to find a new home for myself without Lamar who had been my best friend for the last year after adopting him on April 30th of 2017. I grew attached to Lamar which for me isn't an easy thing. As you can imagine, someone who moves around as much as I do, has a tendency to not get too attached to anything because attachments just get in the way of making changes when it's time to step into change. 

The wonderful news is that God graced me with a new best friend who I happen to have met shortly after arriving back in Portland. He isn't as fluffy and soft as Lamar was, but what is even more fantastic is that this new friend loves to sing just as much as me so we can have fun anywhere, anytime. As long as we've got our voices, we are just fine. Actually, we are better than fine. We are happy as we take small steps daily to bring joy into each other’s lives. 

This person showed up during a time when my trust was wavering strong and I truly needed a friend to help heal my Lamar wounds. He showed me that I could trust him and so the only thing left for me to do was to continue my work in learning to trust God...No. Matter. What.

I learned that when all hope is lost, hope is actually just around the corner. In times when I want to grasp or control or hold on tight, what I need to do instead is truly Let Go and Let God lead the way. I believe that this is the secret to living a peaceful existence, to feel real joy and gratitude for all the ways in which life abundantly blesses us each day. There is no magic in learning how to trust. The magic lies in Believing. 

It has taken me 41 years to figure this out. I can now say with a whole heart that I know and believe God loves me. I believe God is always taking care of me. I believe God is with me and inside of me moment to moment and breath by breath. 

I believe and understand so I will continue to let go by trusting this process we call Life.

I trust God because I know I am being guided each day to learn, laugh, love, and truly live with presence and truth towards myself and with others. 

Writing this blog post has taken me almost a year to complete. I have felt fear about putting myself out there this much. I have also gained a lot more courage and feel much more comfortable being vulnerable because these difficult life experiences from the last year have humbled me and helped me learn how to move towards my fear rather than away from it. 

Ironically, these last few words fall during the anniversary of Hurricane Harvey so I dedicate this act of courage and vulnerability to those who suffered in Houston one year ago. To the people who showed tremendous courage in the face of fear and uncertainty in their own lives. I also dedicate this to Lamar who will always hold a special place in my heart because falling in love with Lamar came so naturally. The feline who taught me how to love more. 

Trust is the way. I Believe it is the only way to live with peace. I Believe and so I Trust. 

Lamar at my place in Kenton - 2017

Dad and I at Council Crest Park (highest point of Portland, Oregon) - April 10, 2018

Sharing my voice ~ Introducing Root&Connect

I have finally been able to lovingly push my fear aside and find the courage to post some videos on youtube that I made in Portland, Oregon on October 1st of 2017.

My plan is to begin sharing videos in hopes to share my voice and passion for mindfulness as a natural remedy for managing depression, anxiety, and our Self as we journey through this thing called Life.  

Here is a the description for my youtube channel that I thought worth the share:

Welcome to Root&Connect. Want to Feel Grounded, Be Focused, and Live Balanced? My name is Angela Guerrero otherwise known as your Self Care Coach. 

I am a human being, teacher, counselor, yogi, meditator, writer, photographer, and mindfulness advocate. As a person who has struggled with depression, anxiety, and ADD most of my life, I dedicate my energy to helping others understand that feeling well is an inside job that takes practice.

My vision is to teach people how to grow a deeper connection with Self by connecting with and nourishing all of the parts that make us whole - Mind, Body, Spirit, Emotions, and Community (Relationships). I believe that mindfulness and social emotional learning are the way!

Mindfulness is a Daily Practice of being present and aware with full acceptance of things just as they are in the moment without  judgement. It's learning to be the calm observer of your life by noticing what happens on the outside and tuning into how you feel on the inside with compassion. Our hand reminds us daily that mindfulness practice is as simple as connecting with one or all five of our senses to feel more connected and alive. 

For those of you who enjoy reading my posts, happy listening! 

More videos to come so stay tuned...

We Are Only Human

What does it mean to you when you see someone wearing a shirt that says 100% Human?

Better yet, what it does it mean to you to be Human?

This seems like a rhetorical question, but truth is, each of us probably has our own definition of what it means to be human and more importantly, what it feels like to be human.

For me, 100% human = 100% perfectly imperfect.

When my clients talk with me about their mistakes, shortcomings, poor choices, regrets, and worst of all their inner critic that hounds them relentlessly, I invite them to take a pause and stop the noise in their minds that tells them why they are all wrong.

Next, I invite them to take a deep breath with me and notice one thing they see in the room that catches their eye to draw in their 100% focus. Preferably an object in the room they enjoy looking at they may bring some sort of peace or calm. 

Once they find that one thing, I encourage them to sit, stare, and maintain all of their focused attention on that one object. The looks on their faces tell me that 1. they don't understand what I'm leading them to do 2. they have a hard time keeping attention on that one thing and 3. they are struggling not to talk about the story or stories that are causing them to suffer.

As soon as I see a person relax into the exercise, I encourage them to notice what happens inside of them as they let go and allow for their focused attention and energy to be placed on one simple object.

I ask, 'what do you feel in this moment as you notice this one thing here in our space?' and 'what is happening inside of you as I invite you drop the story line and just be here in the moment with me?'

I watch this process go from chaos, to confusion, to calm, to compassion. Like a hard, cold block of ice melting and becoming warm water.

Usually my client will return their attention to me with a tender gaze that I translate as 'I was just able to notice what I feel and experienced my Self and my emotions (energy) in a new way which helped me shift perspective. Now I feel more compassion towards myself.'

Once I have allowed for this moment of unspoken truth to pass, I ensure that my client feels seen, heard and felt by me and ask, 'what did you experience during this exercise, tell me about it?'

Being present for another person and allowing them to talk, to feel, and give them space to remember that whatever their pain is, whatever the struggle, they are not alone and it too shall pass...is what being 100% human means to me.

This simple act is what feels like the most human offering I can give another human being.

After all, we are all one in the same. Each of us with a heart, spirit, body, and mind with an array of emotions. We are all just trying to make it in life as we learn how to love and accept one another and most importantly, love and accept our Self.

*this is dedicated to my oldest brother Ricardo, who I love and care for 100% 

Tree therapy

Your roots are what ground you. Your trunk is your core where you hold your soul’s purpose. Your branches are the actions you take to reach your soul’s purpose, and your leaves are the fruits of your love and labor. Another way to see it...Roots are Your Beliefs and Values. Trunk is Your Intention. Branches are Your Actions and Leaves are Your Dreams Come to Life.

~ Root&Connect worth the share

Inner compassion

Are you aware of your inner voice and how it speaks to you? Our inner critic can run our lives if we allow. Mindfulness practice helps us take notice of the inner critic and make a conscious effort to turn the inner critic into the inner compassion. Words either spoken or thought hold the power to transform or destroy our self worth and our lives. Catch the inner critic when you can and choose to say compassionate, kind, and loving words to yourself. Particularly when you are in a moment of suffering. Choosing to hear the inner compassion is a practice of self love that will comfort you until the struggle passes.

~ Root&Connect worth the share

Mindful messages everywhere

Mindful napkins. What a great idea! Anything to help people pause these days to take a moment to self reflect and be mindful of: their gratitude practice, actions to help humanity, a lesson learned, life’s highs and lows, and what makes them laugh in this crazy and complex world we live in. We need more messages out there to help grow our awareness of Self, other, and the Now. 

~ Root&Connect worth the share

Love

Love is when you feel your heart soften enough to be vulnerable and let someone in...to truly see who you are on the inside. That person can be other and Self. 

~ Root&Connect worth the share

Move Like You

I love the sound of these 3 words inspired by my now favorite yoga teacher in Austin named Brett who teaches at Black Swan Yoga. She is what I would refer to as a mindfulness yogi. She speaks with intention and encourages us to move mindfully.

Whenever she says 'move like you' in class, I feel lighter and a sense of joy because I interpret these words to mean 'be your own person' and 'move your body with your breath in a way that feels good for you'.

Brett voices that movement is medicine and when I hear her say it, I think about how our body, our brain, and our emotions need movement in order to function and work in the ways we need them to. Just as much as we need movement, we also need stillness. It's the yin and yang of life; what keeps us in balance.

I like to recommend to my clients the daily practice of SEN + M before looking for other ways to manage their depression and anxiety, particularly if they are considering taking medication.

S- sleep; we all need a minimum of 8 hours to feel our very best

E- exercise; move in whatever way feels good for you to get your heart rate up

N- nutrition; eat whole foods that nourish the body and brain

+

M- meditation; sit still in silence as you focus on one thing such as your breath or a mantra for at least 5 to 10 minutes

The words 'move like you' also bring to mind the recent move I made back to Austin after having lived in Portland for 2 years. A move is always hard on the mind, body, spirit, and emotions. It's a change that requires emotional resilience and flexibility. I like to define mindfulness as a practice of being curious, open, and flexible. The move back to Austin has definitely been nudging me to practice what I preach about mindfulness such as: acceptance of what is without judgement and being present to where I am now.

Coming back to my new/old life has its pros and cons. In moments where I wonder if I made the right decision to leave the beautiful Pacific Northwest, I remind myself to feel gratitude about having Austin be my home base where I feel truly loved and supported by the people that care for me who I have been able to sustain relationships with for 20+ years.

It's been a long while since I wrote a blog entry. I've been preoccupied and challenged in ways I did not expect. My intention for coming back to Austin was to grow my vision of what I want Root&Connect to become. As I figure things out, I remind myself often to be mindful of all the ways in which I am being taken care of so that I can continue learning more on how to help others learn to take care of themselves.

Please stay tuned to the magic that I believe will soon begin to unfold as I push my fears aside to turn my dreams into reality.

Take a Seat...Relax...No Shoulds or Shouldn'ts Allowed

The majority of people I work with who are struggling with feeling depression and anxiety all seem to have one commonality...painful emotions that feed off of negative thinking and an inner critic that holds a lot of the power in determining how they view themselves and their worth.

I constantly hear people talking about shoulds and shouldn'ts. It's as though there was a shoulds and shouldn'ts chart given to us around age 3 or 4 that told us who we are supposed to be, what we are supposed to do, and how we are supposed to behave in the world in order to be accepted by others.

I've noticed that my clients who suffer the most from listening to their own inner critic also tend to be people pleasers who worry about how they are being perceived, if they are liked, and feeling terrified about potentially upsetting or disappointing someone they know.

Living in this constant state of “I'm not good enough” or “I don't measure up” or “People won't accept me if I don't behave in certain ways” sounds absolutely exhausting. Isn't life hard enough already?

Recently, I found a book called Embracing Your Inner Critic which I had to get because this topic of self loathing or self hate appears to be running rampant and I would like to understand where it's coming from.

In this book, they talk about how our inner critic is formed from an early age once our parents begin to voice their shoulds and shouldn'ts on us. It says that our parents own fears and insecurities which more than likely stem from their own parents, begin to impact our development and how we treat our self. It's important to note that parents intentions for voicing shoulds and shouldn'ts is one that comes from a place of 'protection and love', but results in just the opposite. Instead of feeling safe and loved, these shoulds and shouldn'ts instill fear, insecurity, and self doubt in us that then follows us into our adulthood.

Here is a section of the book I wanted to share: “The Inner Critic is like the bit of mirror that makes us see a distorted picture. It is that inner voice that criticizes us and speaks about us in a disparaging way. It makes everything look ugly. Most of us are not even aware that it is a voice or a self speaking inside of us because its constant judgements have been with us since early childhood and its running critical commentary feels like a natural part of ourselves.”

Our sense of belonging becomes conditional and so we go about living in the world thinking that we are only worthy of acceptance and love as long as we abide by all of the shoulds and shouldn'ts that have been ingrained in our brain as truth.

In yoga class a few weeks ago, the teacher said “Expectation leads to frustration. When we can ignore or completely rid ourselves of expectations, we are able to experience life in the way we are intended to, living with complete presence to what is, moment to moment. True liberation is when we can free ourselves of these thoughts and habits that don't serve us.”

The next time you notice your inner critic speaking to you, gently tell that voice that shoulds and shouldn'ts are no longer allowed. Give more time to being in silence and stillness so that you can relax and learn to listen to the inner voice inside that's wanting to guide you from a place of love and worthiness. This is a voice that speaks your own truth, not interested in making comparisons. It's a voice that sounds more like “I can..I will...I want or I choose.”

Disease

I was listening to a sermon the other day and the pastor said something that immediately caught my attention. He said disease happens when there is dis-ease. In that moment, so much came to my mind, but the first two were depression and anxiety. Then followed Charlottesville attack, Harvey, DACA, Eagle Creek fires, and Irma. Next was Trump and lastly, our screens.

Let me explain. I work with people who are in a state of dis-ease because they are not feeling at ease with themselves due to a problem related with work, family, a relationship or life in general. Some of them are not feeling at ease with their thoughts, their emotions or with living in their own body.

A friend of mine recently pointed out that mother earth is a body herself that moves, breathes, eats, grows, lives, and dies over and over again. He said that earth is not happy with us humans for the way we are treating her. That all the natural disasters happening are her way of letting us know that we cannot continue to live the way we do because she cannot and will not sustain us.

We seem to be causing dis-ease TO earth while we are feeling dis-ease ON earth.

There is a lot happening that doesn't seem to make much sense with the planet and with how people are behaving so...what are we going to do about it?

This isn't just a few peoples problem. Whether or not we have been directly affected by any of what has been going on this year, I think it's important for all of us humans to be aware by consciously taking some sort of action to help one another and the world we live in.

Perhaps the August 21, 2017 eclipse was a good reminder for us to wake up, get out of our heads, away from our screens, take breaks from watching or listening to all the bad news, step out of our comfort zone, and look around us to SEE. To really see and feel the imbalance of the earth = global warming and the imbalance of humanity = racism, separatism.

I am of the belief that united we stand and divided we fall. I'm still trying to figure out how the man that was elected last November has been given so much power to make such big decisions that affect both earth and humanity. A man with a large ego and very little compassion. And what allowed for him to be in this position was something as simple as this green piece of paper that is made from the earth and for some reason, seems to be the only thing that matters for so many people living on it.

Do I think that money buys us freedom? Sure. To a certain extent I guess. Do I think money makes us more happy? Not really. More comfortable yes. Do I think people use money as a way to feel secure and worthy? Yes.

This post isn't about my wanting to criticize people who earn a lot of money. I believe in working hard, in having a strong work ethic, and in striving for more. Not necessarily to have more, but because I know that when we increase our net worth, we also increase our self worth. This is because when we take actions to better ourselves, we grow our self confidence and as a result, we feel better about who we are. We feel less insecure, inadequate or unworthy and more accepted by self and others.

What I don't yet understand is how we have allowed for money to skew our values so much so, that we honor the notion of doing more than just being, we complacently exist more than truly live, we buy into spending more than we need to, we focus on our fears more than on who and what we love, we are more quick to hate than we are to empathize, and we waste/destroy for the sake of our own comfort.

All the while, we wonder why it is that we live in a world full of disease (physical and mental) or feeling not at ease. I think it is difficult to feel at ease when energetically, we feel the imbalance. I know I do so I felt inclined to write about it.

Next step is to take action towards finding ways to save mother earth by learning to plant more trees, drive less, ride bike more, recycle, buy less, and give away more. I also want to do my part to help unite humanity by treating all people the way I want to be treated, with love, kindness and respect no matter the color or socioeconomic status.

This takes being mindful of my own well being by treating my Self with love and kindness and managing my anxiety and stress in healthy ways (prayer, gratitude, meditation, and yoga) so that I am putting out a more positive energy to the people I interact with. These things take effort, but not as much effort as we all put into 'doing' and 'making more money' to validate ourselves or prove to others, that we are worthy and that our life is worth living.

We all need one another. Take a mindful moment to think about what you might want to do to help mother earth and its people to breathe with more ease. Let's step out of our bubbles, get more comfortable with feeling uncomfortable, and come together to heal our disease.

We do not need magic to change the world, we carry all the power we need inside ourselves already: we have the power to imagine better.

J.K. Rowling - Novelist

Desire without Drive

A new client I met last week was explaining his struggles and at some point mentioned feeling a loss of pleasure and interest in things that used to fill him up. I believe that this is part of what happens when depression gets the best of us.

He said something along the lines of “I still have the desire to do things, just not the drive.” This resonated with me and got me thinking about my own desires.

How driven was I to make stuff happen in my own life?

You know, the stuff that stirs around in your heart and mind that whispers to you softly. Depending on the strength of the desire, the whispers may start to sound more like orders.

In the last few months, my brain has been churning out ideas of things I want to create. This isn't necessarily anything new, it's just that now, it seems as though I spend a lot more time thinking about how to make these dreams become a reality.

This year has been one of shifting my emotional patterns so naturally my thoughts and what I choose to focus on has also started to shift. I spend much more time feeling love, gratitude, and joy which attributes to more positive thoughts that match these emotions.

I've been exploring the emotion of love with greater depth both in and out of my meditation practice and what I was surprised to discover for myself is that love for me feels like peace, joy, and creativity.

I have known for many years, that when I am writing, drawing, photographing or thinking up ideas on what to write about whether it be blogging or poetry, I feel an amazing sense of all three of these things because my heart and mind both yearn to create. For me, creation is love. 

In the act of creating whether with my brain, my eyes, or my hands, I come alive and feel myself whole because I am in a state of expansion that allows me to feel deeply connected with my heart's desire and inspired to express myself. 

When someone tells me they have desire without drive, I think of a few possible hypothesis of what may be going on for the person:

a. depression robs us of our energy

b. depression often has to do with suppressed emotions that need to come to light to be acknowledged, felt, and expressed.

*note: unresolved sadness + anger = depression

c. the emotion causing the most pain is also the emotion with the most energy. If this emotion is not acknowledged, felt, and given attention to with compassion, and expressed in some way, it will suck energy from the body and mind, leaving the person depleted and without drive.

*for example: shame which is usually tied to guilt could be causing self doubt and/or insecurity to creep in to the core self and block energy needed to move, create, and Do!

I decided to write about this because I feel passionate about motivating others to be the best version of themselves. This is a process that requires imagination, energy, feeling, and action.

A new intriguingly insightful friend says 'the physical act of writing tells your mind that what is being written is important'.

Consider taking the time to write down all of your heart's desires while being mindful of what all your parts ~ mind, body, emotions, and spirit ~ need from YOU so that your heart, brain, eyes, and hands can fulfill your desires with the drive necessary to make them happen.

Play by Feel

Shortly after moving to Portland, I was struck by a commonality I observed in many of the people I was meeting and/or trying to befriend. It seemed as though making plans with others in advance was a bit of a foreign concept. Instead people would make attempts to connect more on the fly to accommodate how they were feeling on that particular day. I realized a few months in, that playing by ear didn't quite fit and so the term 'play by feel' was born.

Moving to a new place at the ripe age of 39 is no easy endeavor. Particularly when the place you move to is quite different from what you know and where you come from. Learning the culture of the Northwest and how to best navigate has felt much like growing pains, but has also tested my ability to practice mindfulness in ways that look and feel a lot like love. I've had to practice openness, curiosity, flexibility, and being vulnerable.

The irony is that my time here in Portland has also opened me up to feeling more love than ever before. Not the kind of love you would imagine I would be talking about such as romantic love for that one special person, but instead feeling love and appreciation for what happens when the weather changes in this city.

After months of cold, rain, and even snow, feeling the sun's rays takes on a whole new meaning. The people, the plants, the rivers, and oceans all come to life and glisten when the temperature rises.

During a yoga class recently, the teacher told us that someone said to her 'live your life as though it were summer all the time' and it dawned on me that summer time in Portland is transformational for the people just as much as it is for the landscape. The city comes alive with a completely new energy that transforms everyone's mood and their desire to be communal with one another and with nature.

Now that I've spent some time here (about a year and a half), I have a new understanding of play by feel and how it's so closely related to the strong force that Portland weather has on its inhabitants. People here have to acclimate. One definition of acclimate is to respond physiologically or behaviorally to change in a single environmental factor. People here do just that, because they have no other choice but to accept what the weather wants to do on any given day. Like it or not, they adjust.

This got me to thinking about how I could tie together the way that people in Portland acclimate to its erratic weather with how we as people approach life in general.

What if the uncertainty, the ups and downs, the hot and cold, the storms and sunshine, the gray and clear skies were a metaphor for life's happenings?

Would we then be able to better cope with change if we told ourselves that 'Life is like the Weather'?

We don't have much control over what happens to us in life, sometimes things make sense and other times, we want to pull our hair out and curse God's name because things feel confusing, unjust or too painful.

It seems to me that the best remedy for living in accordance with life's ebbs and flows is to accept that the only constant is change. Just like the weather, nothing ever stays the same and this is what we can count on so why not navigate through life in this way.

Play by feel...moment to moment, breath by breath.

Actor or Reactor

Are you consciously choosing how to exist in your life?

This question has been buzzing in my head for the last few months, but for some reason it's been hard to conjure up the motivation and inspiration to write much of anything. Feeling stuck in any area of your life where you want to see change and growth can be frustrating and defeating. For this reason, I think it's important to ask yourself Why and How?

The Why- your purpose, the How- the way to get there.

The Why also refers to who you want to be, the How relates to what you feel, think, do, and say to become and be that person.

This is what I think distinguishes an actor from a reactor. The role of an actor is to play a part with intention by consciously choosing how to be in relation with self and with others. It's a daily practice to choose what emotions and thoughts we want to engage with.

For instance, we all have a choice on how we want to feel. We can choose to feel happy or sad, resentful or grateful in any given moment. The fascinating thing about emotions and thoughts is that they are energy. Constantly moving, changing, expanding, and contracting; our emotions are fed by our thoughts and so a cycle begins where we determine what our emotional and mental patterning will look and feel like.

If you are habitually used to feeling sad, disappointed or angry, you have the choice on whether or not to feed these emotions and give them more power over you. I ask my clients to imagine that every time they think a negative thought that reinforces a lower emotion, they are actually choosing to feed the emotion a donut. The result is that the emotion grows stronger as it begins to crave another donut creating a pattern where negative thoughts feed and grow more negative emotions.

This is how the body and mind work together. We exist in the world by being conscious of our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and choosing them rather than letting them choose us. These three things are what shape who we are and influence us to either be an actor or a reactor in our life.

The trick to learning how to change how we feel and think is to pause, go inward, and connect with this energy inside of us so that our behaviors can shift and align with a new pattern of emotions and thoughts.

Try this practice as many times throughout the day as you can. First try this alone and then try it when in relationship with others:

1. stop, pause, and connect with your breath and body

2. identify what you feel by asking yourself 'what am I feeling in this moment?'

3. notice what thoughts come to mind, negative or positive?

4. observe your inner voice paying close attention to how you are speaking to yourself, gentle or harsh?

5. get curious about why you are feeling this particular emotion

6. choose how you want to feel instead

7. focus on your heart's center and imagine yourself feeling the emotion you want to feel

8. allow this new emotion to take over as you feel new sensations in your body

9. feed the new emotion with positive thoughts and notice the feeling of expansion inside of you

10. acknowledge this process with love and kindness towards yourself

Now go out into the world choosing to consciously act in the way that brings you closer to who you want to be and what you want to experience as opposed to reacting to your feelings and thoughts and 'what happens to you'.

You are the creator of you and your life!

Real&Connect

I have to start writing. I can't keep these thoughts and feelings in any longer. Spending time thinking about how I can make a difference, how I can help the state of the world we are currently living in.

Conversations about what's happening, what's not happening. So much fear. Intense feelings of hopelessness and helplessness. I want to assist people in making a change. It all starts on the inside because when we don't feel right on the inside, absolutely nothing can happen on the outside.

We can listen to what is taking place on a global level, on a national level. Hearing these things doesn't do a bit of good if we can't take it in, understand, and feel enough energy to do something about it. We need gumption. We need the motivation to take action. Caring is not enough. Compassion comes naturally. The challenge lies in transforming our caring and compassion into a reality that can be seen and felt. Whatever we feel compassion for, whether it be the people, their rights, our earth, its natural process endangered, we need to focus on one thing and move towards advocating for that one thing.

We humans are easily overwhelmed by the big picture that deters us from living and accepting our moment to moment existence. Take one breath, feel your body, focus on your feet, stand firm where you are and choose one action. Just one.

One day at a time. Breath by breath. Stop responding with fear to the fear that created all of this mess in the first place. Ego does not know how to live in the present. It feeds on what could be. Greed stems from a mentality of scarcity. It feeds on wanting more and having more. Fear is the opposite of love which is what all of creation was born from. It tells us that power will make us stronger and less afraid. None of these things have anything to do with what is truth, what is infinite, what needs no explanation. We are enough. We have enough.

All living things continue their cycle- Live. Grow. Evolve. Die. Begin Again. What the fuck is all of this other nonsense about?

Oh yeah, control. Because if we think we can control, then we feel immortal. This calms our fear just enough to live another day pretending like all of this is actually real when the only meaning to it all is that we just be, breathe, exist, know,  love, and be one with with all and everything.